Whoever Invented the Terrible Two’s Never Raised a 20‑Something

Kai Mercer

Welcome back, everybody. Today we’re talking about one of the wildest upgrades in the parenting game: going from the so‑called “terrible two’s” to the turbulent twenties.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Yeah. When your kid is two, it’s chaos, but it’s… containable chaos. They melt down in Target, you pick them up. They run toward the street, you grab their hand. They hate broccoli, you cut it smaller or hide it in mac and cheese.

Kai Mercer

Exactly. You’re the regulator, right? You’re the one literally lending them your nervous system. You pick the daycare, the pediatrician, the playdates. Their world is small, and you’ve got your hands on most of the knobs and dials.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

And then they turn twenty, or twenty‑three, or twenty‑seven, and suddenly your hands are off the steering wheel. You can’t choose their friends, their boss, their roommate, their relationship partner, or what they do at 2 a.m. on a Tuesday.

Kai Mercer

You can’t even choose whether they listen to your advice. You can see the metaphorical car drifting toward the ditch, and your brain is like, “Grab the wheel!” But developmentally, this is actually the stage where they’re supposed to be driving.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

This season has a name in the research: emerging adulthood. Roughly 18 to 29. It’s recognized as its own stage of life. It’s a time of identity exploration, instability, and feeling “in between” being a teenager and being a fully settled adult.

Kai Mercer

So if your twenty‑something feels kind of all over the place—changing majors, switching jobs, dating people you’re not totally sold on—that doesn’t automatically mean you failed. It often means they’re doing the messy work of figuring out who they are.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

But here’s the part parents rarely get support around: that shift from protector to witness. When they were two, you could literally scoop them away from danger. In their twenties, your role has to move toward consultant, not director.

Kai Mercer

And that change can feel brutal. A lot of parents quietly grieve it. They miss the little hand reaching for theirs, the clear schedule, the sense of “I know what to do.” Now it’s, “Do I text? Do I back off? Do I send money? Do I say nothing?”

Dr. Julie Sorenson

There’s so much disorientation. You can love your young adult deeply and still think, “Who am I if I’m not the one making the big decisions?” That grief is real. It doesn’t mean you’re clingy or unhealthy; it means you’re attached.

Kai Mercer

And attachment is good. The challenge is updating the way you’re attached. Less buckling their car seat, more learning how to sit in the passenger seat and say, “I’m here if you want directions,” even when they miss the exit.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

If you’re listening and thinking, “I hate this stage, I feel helpless,” you are not alone. What you’re feeling is a normal response to a big developmental shift—for them and for you.

Kai Mercer

So in this episode we’re gonna unpack what happens inside your nervous system when your twenty‑something struggles, and then give you some practical tools so you can love them well without losing yourself in the process.

Kai Mercer

Let’s talk about what actually goes on inside you when your twenty‑something is spiraling a bit. Because it’s not just “I’m worried.” It’s usually way louder than that.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Right. Common thoughts sound like, “I taught you better than this,” or “How are you making this choice after everything we talked about?” And then there are the words that really sting: “You don’t understand,” “You’re controlling,” “I didn’t ask for your opinion.”

Kai Mercer

Or the one that hurts a lot of parents: “You were never really there for me,” even when you know you sacrificed so much. It can feel like your whole history with them just got erased in one sentence.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

When that happens, it’s not just your feelings getting poked. Your nervous system reads it as a threat to attachment. And when attachment feels threatened, we tend to go into survival modes: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

Kai Mercer

So, translated into parent language: fight might look like lecturing, raising your voice, trying to control every variable. “You’re not quitting that job, that’s final.”

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Flight can be pulling away: not answering their texts for days, going emotionally cold because it hurts too much. Freeze might be that stuck place where you’re replaying the conversation in your head, but you can’t decide what to say back.

Kai Mercer

And fawn is the over‑accommodating one. You say yes to things you really can’t give—money, time, emotional energy—because some part of you is thinking, “If I keep rescuing, they won’t leave me.”

Dr. Julie Sorenson

None of these responses make you a bad parent. They’re automatic survival strategies. But if you don’t notice them, it’s really easy to react from panic or control instead of from grounded care.

Kai Mercer

This is where that question you mentioned in your writing, Julie, becomes huge: “Is this a life‑altering crisis, or a developmental lesson?”

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Yes. When you zoom out, some situations are true crises—serious safety concerns, self‑harm, addiction, violence. Those may require immediate, active intervention and professional help. Your nervous system’s alarm makes sense there.

Kai Mercer

But a lot of the things that feel urgent—quitting a job without a backup, dating someone you’re not thrilled about, overdrafting their bank account—are painful, but they’re also part of how emerging adults learn.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

You can ask yourself, “In five years, will this be a permanent scar, or a hard lesson?” That little mental check helps turn down the emotional volume so you can choose a response instead of reacting on autopilot.

Kai Mercer

So if your body is screaming, “Do something right now!” it can be helpful to pause and label it: “Okay, I’m in fight mode,” or “My flight response is showing up.” That tiny bit of awareness is the first step back toward regulation.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

And from regulation, you can still care deeply, still set boundaries, and still show up for them—but in a way that doesn’t burn you out or push them further away. That’s where the tools we’re about to talk through really come in.

Kai Mercer

Alright, let’s get into the practical stuff—five tools you can actually use in real life, ideally before you send that 3‑page text.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Tool one: the Helicopter View. Imagine you’re lifting up above the situation and looking at the whole landscape. Ask, “Is this a life‑altering crisis, or a developmental lesson? Will this matter in five years?” That perspective helps calm the emotional storm.

Kai Mercer

You might say to yourself, “Okay, this is a painful money mistake, not a permanent catastrophe.” That framing alone can keep you from panicking or over‑rescuing.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Tool two: the 90‑Second Emotional Wave. Emotions in the body tend to surge and then begin to settle if we don’t keep feeding them with scary thoughts. So when you’re triggered, do one simple cycle: inhale for four, exhale for six, repeat for about 90 seconds—and don’t text during that window.

Kai Mercer

Yeah, 90 seconds of breathing now can save you 9 days of damage control later. Give your nervous system a chance to downshift before you respond.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Tool three: Separate Love from Control. Your love doesn’t have to sound like advice. You can say, “I love you. I trust you’re figuring your life out. If you want to talk it through, I’m here.” That’s support without steering.

Kai Mercer

If you’re tempted to launch into a lecture, try one sentence first: “Do you want support, ideas, or just someone to listen right now?” That question respects their adulthood and still keeps you connected.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Tool four: Protect Your Peace. This is about boundaries, not punishment. It might sound like, “I can help with groceries this month, but I’m not able to cover ongoing bills,” or, “I love hearing from you, but I need to get some sleep, so I’m not available for late‑night crisis calls every night.”

Kai Mercer

Emotional micro‑boundaries matter too. Like, not replaying the same argument in your head all day, or choosing not to read their social media comments when you know it spikes your anxiety.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Tool five: Radical Acceptance. This doesn’t mean you approve of every choice. It means you accept that you cannot live their life for them. You can’t fast‑forward their maturity or erase every consequence.

Kai Mercer

An acceptance phrase might be, “I don’t like this choice, and I accept that it’s yours to make.” Or, “I wish I could protect you from this, and I know I can’t do it for you.” Both things can be true at the same time.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

As you practice these tools, remember: when they were two, you carried them. In their twenties, your job is more about releasing them with open hands and steady love. That release can feel like grief, even when they’re technically doing okay.

Kai Mercer

You planted good seeds. Even if you don’t see the full garden yet, those seeds are still there. You’re allowed to protect your own peace and still be a loving parent. Those things are not opposites.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

If all you do this week is take one deep breath, zoom out for a moment, and choose one sentence that reflects love instead of control, that’s real work. That’s you rewiring the pattern.

Kai Mercer

Julie, thanks for breaking this down in such a grounded way. I know so many parents needed to hear that they’re not crazy, they’re just human and attached.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

And Kai, I appreciate how you keep it practical. For those listening, you’re doing more right than you think. Give yourself some compassion in this process too.

Kai Mercer

Alright, we’re gonna wrap it here. We’ll keep coming back to this theme of loving your people without losing yourself. Julie, thanks for hanging out with me today.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Thanks, Kai. And thanks to everyone listening.

Kai Mercer

Take care of your nervous system, keep those hands open and that love steady, and we’ll catch you next time.