Fuck Society’s Rulebook: Why No Matter What You Do, Someone Will Think You’re Doing Life Wrong

Kai Mercer

Welcome back to Unpack with Dr. Julie. I’m Kai, and today we’re going straight in with a title I absolutely love: “Fuck Society’s Rulebook.” Julie, you came in hot with this one.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Yeah, we’re not easing into this at all. But honestly, that’s how it feels for a lot of people. There’s this invisible rulebook for how you’re supposed to live… and no one remembers agreeing to it, but everyone’s acting like they’re the referee.

Kai Mercer

Yeah, it’s like: if you’re overweight, people decide you’re lazy. If you’re thin, suddenly you “must be sick” or on drugs. If you drink, it’s “you party too much.” If you don’t drink, people are like, “Why? What’s wrong? Are you pregnant? Are you boring?”

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Exactly. Stay home a lot? You’re boring. Travel a lot? You’re irresponsible. Take a mental health day? You’re dramatic or unstable. Show emotion? Too sensitive. Set boundaries? You’re “difficult.” Stand up for yourself? Narcissistic. Go along with others? Pushover.

Kai Mercer

And then the life stuff: rent a place and you’re “behind.” Buy a house and now people judge your mortgage, your interest rate, your neighborhood. Go to college, you’re “wasting money.” Don’t go, you’re “not ambitious enough.” Work a trade, people talk down to you. It’s like… you literally cannot win.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Right. And what I hear over and over in therapy rooms is the same quiet question underneath all of that: “What’s wrong with me?” Not, “What’s wrong with this bullshit rulebook?” but “What’s wrong with ME?”

Kai Mercer

Yeah. And when you hear that enough, it’s not just a thought, it becomes like a soundtrack. You’re at work, dating, scrolling social media, and the brain’s like, “Cool, but… what’s wrong with you, though?”

Dr. Julie Sorenson

And it makes sense, because humans are wired for belonging. Psychologically, feeling accepted by a group is basic survival wiring. When we feel judged or excluded, the emotional cost is huge—shame, anxiety, second-guessing every decision. The American Psychological Association’s Stress in America report shows people are feeling overwhelmed by expectations in work, finances, health… all of it. That’s the rulebook in action.

Kai Mercer

And then we add comparison culture on top. You open Instagram or TikTok, and everybody’s doing “What I eat in a day,” “Day in my life,” “Here’s my 5 a.m. routine” and you’re like… I just ate cereal over the sink. Am I behind in life?

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Research actually backs that up. Studies on social media and comparison show that when we constantly see curated versions of other people’s lives, we start judging ourselves more harshly. Not because we’re weak, but because our brains are literally wired to compare—to figure out, “Am I okay? Am I safe in this group?”

Kai Mercer

So the problem isn’t that we care what people think—that’s human. The problem is we’re following a rulebook that nobody wrote with our happiness in mind. It’s like playing a game where the rules change every five minutes and the prize is… more criticism.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Yes. So if you’ve been asking, “What’s wrong with me?” I want you to hear this really clearly: most likely, nothing. You’re not broken. You’re trying to live a real, messy human life under a set of expectations that were never designed for your wellbeing. The distress you feel is a sane response to an insane amount of pressure.

Kai Mercer

That reframe alone is huge. It’s not “I’m failing at life,” it’s “This rulebook doesn’t fit my life.” And once you see that, you can start to ask a different question: “What if there’s actually nothing wrong with me at all?”

Kai Mercer

Alright, so let’s talk about the moment people hit that wall. Because there’s this shift from “What’s wrong with me?” to this really grounded “fuck it.” Not like, burn-your-life-down chaos, but… something else.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Yeah, I call it the breaking point in the best way. It’s when you realize: the rules keep changing, the expectations never stop, and no matter what you do, someone will think you’re doing life wrong. And something in you just goes… “Fuck it.”

Kai Mercer

Yeah. I remember my own version of that after burning out in mental health work. I had done all the “right” things—degreed, helping people, showing up—and still felt like I was losing at my own life. And one day I was like, “If I can’t win this game, why am I still playing by these rules?”

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Exactly. And psychologically, that “fuck it” can actually be really healthy. It’s not, “I don’t care about anything.” It’s, “I’m done sacrificing my sanity to please people who will judge me anyway.” It’s a shift from shame to clarity.

Kai Mercer

So let’s unpack the people doing the judging. Because when Aunt Karen is critiquing your job or your body or your relationship, it feels like she has all this authority. But what’s actually happening there, psych-wise?

Dr. Julie Sorenson

We know from research on social comparison that people constantly size themselves up against others to figure out where they stand. When someone feels insecure or uncertain about their own choices, it’s very common to judge others more harshly. That judgment is often projection—they’re offloading their own anxiety onto you.

Kai Mercer

So like, “If I can make your choices wrong, then mine feel right.”

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Exactly. Add social media and it gets louder. You’ve got people performing their “right” way to live: perfect parenting, perfect productivity, perfect healing. Underneath, a lot of them are just trying to reassure themselves they’re okay. The louder the criticism, the more threatened they often feel.

Kai Mercer

That’s wild, because it flips the power dynamic. Instead of “They’re judging me because I suck,” it becomes, “They’re judging me because they’re unsure of themselves.”

Dr. Julie Sorenson

And that’s where the second shift comes in: “Fuck them.” And I don’t mean rage posting or cutting everyone off. I mean an internal boundary. “Your opinion is your business. My worth is not on the table.”

Kai Mercer

Yeah, like a quiet, internal, “Nope. That doesn’t come in.” You can still be polite at Thanksgiving and also think, “Fuck your rulebook, I’m not living for your approval.”

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Right. “Fuck it” is about dropping the impossible game. “Fuck them” is about separating other people’s noise from your identity. When you start asking, “Whose voice is this in my head? Do I even agree with it?”—that’s the beginning of freedom.

Kai Mercer

So if you’re listening and realizing that most of your decisions are based on not disappointing people, that’s not a character flaw. That’s you trying to stay safe in a world that punishes difference. But you are allowed to say, “I’m done letting everyone else’s fear run my life.” That’s your “fuck it / fuck them” moment.

Kai Mercer

Alright, let’s land this in something practical. We’ve named the rulebook, we’ve hit the “fuck it / fuck them” moment. Now what? How do you actually build a life that’s yours and not crowdsourced from everyone’s opinions?

Dr. Julie Sorenson

This is where values come in. In psychology, there’s a lot of research on motivation and wellbeing that basically says: when your choices line up with your own values—what matters to YOU—you feel more satisfied and alive. When you’re chasing external approval or status, you might look “successful,” but inside you feel disconnected.

Kai Mercer

So that’s the difference between, like, “I’m doing this job because it impresses people” versus “I’m doing this work because it feels meaningful, or creative, or stable in a way that supports my life.”

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Exactly. Think of it as: extrinsic versus intrinsic. Extrinsic is “What do people reward?” Intrinsic is “What actually feels right to me?” The research suggests that when we live more from that intrinsic, self-determined place, our mental health and life satisfaction tend to be better.

Kai Mercer

Okay, mini-exercise time. If someone’s listening on their commute or walk, what’s one small reflection you’d have them do to start spotting where the rulebook is still running the show?

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Alright, here’s a quick one. Pick one area of your life: work, relationships, your body, or your lifestyle. Now finish these two sentences in your head. First: “I’m supposed to…” and see what comes up. “I’m supposed to be further in my career, be married by now, weigh less, post more on social media,” whatever it is. That’s the rulebook talking.

Kai Mercer

Oof. Yeah, that hits.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Then, second sentence: “What I actually want is…” And notice if your body softens a little when you answer that. Maybe it’s “I actually want a simpler life,” or “I want a relationship that feels safe, not impressive,” or “I want a body I respect, not a body that gets likes.” That’s your values voice.

Kai Mercer

So you’re basically comparing: here’s what the crowd says I should want, and here’s what my nervous system and my gut actually want.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Yes. And then you ask, “What is one tiny action I can take that honors what I actually want?” Not a full life overhaul. A tiny move. Send one job inquiry. Say no to one plan you don’t have energy for. Unfollow one account that always makes you feel less than. Those micro “fuck society’s rulebook” choices add up.

Kai Mercer

I love that because it’s not performative rebellion. You don’t have to announce on Instagram, “I DON’T CARE WHAT ANYONE THINKS.” It’s more quiet. It’s choosing peace over performance, one decision at a time.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Exactly. Let “fuck society’s rulebook” be a boundary you hold inside yourself, not a show you put on. You get one life. One. Not a rehearsal. The people judging you? They will move on and critique someone else. But you have to live inside the consequences of your choices every single day. So your happiness has to matter more than their approval.

Kai Mercer

So if you’re listening, maybe your next step is simple: notice one place you’re still auditioning for approval… and gently step off that stage. Replace “What will they think?” with “What actually makes me feel alive and at peace?” And let that answer carry a little bit of that grounded, quiet “fuck it, fuck them” energy.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Yes. You deserve a life that feels like it belongs to you.

Kai Mercer

Alright, Julie, thank you for bringing the fire and the research and the compassion, as always.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Thanks for having me, Kai. This was a good one.

Kai Mercer

And thank you for listening. If this hit home, sit with it, maybe do that little “I’m supposed to / I actually want” check-in this week. We’ll be back with more to unpack soon. Until then, take care of your mind, your body, and your one wild life. Julie, I’ll see you next time.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

See you next time.