Your Feelings Aren’t the Problem. Avoiding Them Is!

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Hey everyone, welcome back to Unpack with Dr. Julie! Today, we are digging into something so foundational—something that honestly, I wish every person heard in kindergarten. Emotions are not the problem. It’s avoiding them that really gets us turned inside out.

Kai Mercer

Right? I used to think—well, I mean, I was actually taught—if you’re tough, you keep it together. No drama, no crying at school, just keep rolling. But then I found myself super productive, always smiling, and then wondering why I’d get home and want to just hide under the covers with—like—zero energy left. I think we all pick that up from somewhere...

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Yup, I can relate! As a kid, I got so much praise for "holding it together," for being the one nobody ever had to worry about. But what nobody explained is that holding it together isn’t the gold standard for mental health. It’s usually just simmering like a pot that’s about to boil over. Emotions are just signals—they aren’t flaws in our wiring. They’re your nervous system’s way of saying, “Hey, something important is happening here.”

Kai Mercer

Exactly. And it isn’t just sadness or anger. Like, anxiety for me always pops up when something feels off or out of my control, and—I always thought that meant I needed to fix myself. But looking at it as information totally changes the way you approach your own mind. I think we make so much more progress when we view emotions as feedback, not failures.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Absolutely, and there’s so much good science on this. Ford and colleagues found that emotions like sadness actually let us know something mattered—that we cared. Anger, same thing, it pops up when there’s a boundary issue. Even guilt can show us when we’ve strayed from our values. When we shut down those signals, we’re missing critical data about what we need or what’s meaningful to us.

Kai Mercer

I love that you call it “data.” It’s like—our brains are this little processing center for what matters, what doesn’t, who crossed our line, what feels safe, right? It takes a load off when you realize, "Hey, my emotions are trying to help me, not embarrass me."

Dr. Julie Sorenson

It all comes back to that “all emotions are allowed” piece. It’s not about whether you’re allowed to feel, it’s about realizing emotions are meant to help—not hijack—your life. If you ignore those signals, it’s like driving your car with all the warning lights covered up. Eventually, something’s gonna give.

Kai Mercer

Yeah, so, speaking of covering things up... I gotta admit, I was the “go-to listener” in my group. Like, I was the advice guy—always had space for everyone else’s mess. And then—I don’t know if it was slow or all at once, but I totally crashed. I thought avoiding my own feelings was making me easygoing, but actually, I was bottling everything and didn’t even know it until I hit full-blown burnout.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

That is so common. We reward a lot of emotional suppression in our culture; it gets misinterpreted as being strong. But research by Keng and Tong—recent stuff—shows that when we avoid or suppress emotions, it doesn’t solve anything. The feelings wait. And sometimes they come out sideways—irritability, muscle tension, sleep issues. You know, if you’re walking around feeling on edge, it’s not because you’re just “too emotional.” Most of the time, you’re emotionally exhausted. You’re carrying a full backpack no one else can see.

Kai Mercer

Totally, and I remember the "people-pleasing phase"—I was nodding, agreeing, and then lashing out over small stuff. And people would go, “Kai, you seem so chill—what happened?” Well, I’d hit a breaking point, that’s what. I had to finally learn to turn toward my own feelings, not just everyone else’s. It’s wild how much energy you waste on holding it all in.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

And that’s not weakness, that’s just biology. When we jam those feelings down, our bodies find another way to process them—outbursts, zoning out, jaw clenching, even headaches. Unaddressed grief or stress doesn’t magically turn into rainbows just because we wish it would. If anything, it just gets heavier over time.

Kai Mercer

And we see it with kids, too, like in that episode about winter break and back talk—when routines go sideways and feelings pile up, it doesn’t matter if you’re 8 or 38. The cost of avoidance is real. The only way out is through.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Right. Allowing yourself to feel isn’t the same as losing control. You can absolutely feel anger without hurting anyone. You can be sad without getting stuck there forever. Regulation is about responding, not reacting. When we start to shift the narrative—when we say “It’s not about being less emotional, it’s about supporting our emotions better”—we actually bring down the anxiety, the burnout, and that panicky sense that we’re hanging by a thread all the time.

Kai Mercer

Okay, so—purposeful question for you, Julie—what does it actually look like to be, uh, emotionally regulated? Because sometimes people hear “regulation” and think, "Oh, great, now I have to meditate three hours a day."

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Ha! If only it were that easy, right? Actual emotional regulation, according to the research, is much quieter than people think. First, you just name what you’re feeling. Not just “bad” or “stressed”—but, like, “hurt,” “disappointed,” or “overwhelmed.” That simple act of labeling can literally calm your brain’s threat response. Then, you notice your body—tight chest, clenched jaw, whatever’s there. After that, validate yourself. “It makes sense this is hard,” instead of, "I should be tougher."

Kai Mercer

That validation part was the hardest for me because I always defaulted to, "What's wrong with me?" And realizing you can be compassionate toward yourself—honestly, that changes the whole vibe. It’s like the first time you experience someone saying, “Of course this is tough”—but to your own self.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Exactly. And that’s the heart of self-compassion—Neff’s work shows it’s one of the strongest predictors for emotional resilience. From there, you choose your response: Do I need a boundary? Rest? Maybe a talk—or yes, sometimes therapy. And I always say, therapy isn’t “fixing” you. It’s teaching you how to work with, not against, yourself. That’s what creates genuine change—whether you’re an adult, or a kid just learning the ropes.

Kai Mercer

I wish someone had modeled this for me when I was a kid. Just—seeing adults name their feelings, validate them, and ask for help when needed. That’s the stuff that sticks, right? Not the “don’t cry, toughen up” routine.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Totally. That’s why I wrote those books for grade schoolers, and why I’m so passionate about emotion coaching. The research backs it: When caregivers help kids name, validate, and regulate feelings, it changes outcomes—better mental health, stronger coping skills, more self-trust. And it’s never too late to learn this as an adult, either.

Kai Mercer

So, letting yourself feel, and showing others—especially kids—that it’s normal to ask for help, that’s actual strength. Nobody needs to do emotional gymnastics here. Just start with naming it and giving yourself a little kindness. It’s—well, I guess it’s a superpower, huh?

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Absolutely—it’s the heart of resilience. And the best part: when we do this work for ourselves, we show the people around us—at any age—that being human was never a flaw. It’s the starting point for real healing, real growth, and real connection.

Kai Mercer

Alright, I think that’s a good spot to wind down, yeah? So—if you’re listening and you’re feeling all the feels right now, you’re in the right place. Let those emotions be the guide, not the enemy.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

We’ll be back to unpack more, but thanks for being with us today and sharing a few brave moments with your own feelings. Take care of yourselves, and each other.

Kai Mercer

Alright Julie, thanks for letting me get a little real today. I’ll see you next time. Bye, everyone!