I Love You, But Did You See the Dishes? Marriage With ADHD

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Hey, everyone, welcome back to Unpack with Dr. Julie. Today’s episode is one I've honestly looked forward to for a long time—Kai, you ready to dig in?

Kai Mercer

As ever. So we're talking ADHD and relationships, right? Or, more specifically, why having a partner with ADHD can be both a total adventure and, well, sometimes a wild ride.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Exactly. And I want to start on a positive note—because I meet so many couples where ADHD is almost treated as a problem or a deficit. But let's be real: some of the most vibrant relationships I've seen are the ones where that “ADHD spark” is actually a huge asset. There are the creative twists, the spontaneous last-minute plans, and that kind of emotional passion that keeps things from getting stale. It's not just me making that up, either. Research backs this up; partners with ADHD are often described as the ones bringing big-picture thinking and creativity—the spark that makes things feel alive in the relationship. That's straight from White and Shah's research in 2011.

Kai Mercer

Yeah, I gotta say, that fits with what I see with my friends. I mean, my buddy Ross—he married someone with ADHD, and half their Instagram is just them on these wild, spontaneous road trips. And you see it, that energy that kind of breathes life into the routine. Sometimes it's chaotic, sure, but it's never boring.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Absolutely, Kai. At one of my workshops, there was a couple who actually used that spontaneity as their superpower. Instead of clashing over last-minute plans or random “let’s drive two hours to find the best ice cream,” they leaned in and made it a family tradition. Their kids now look forward to these “spur-of-the-moment Saturdays.” It’s a way ADHD went from a source of stress to a source of connection and joy for their whole family. And, I mean, isn’t that kind of the dream?

Kai Mercer

Totally. Also, it’s not just fun stuff—there’s that intensity, right? Like when someone with ADHD hyperfocuses on a project they're passionate about, or sometimes their partner. It’s a reminder romantic relationships don’t have to get dull or predictable. I guess obvious question though—does that ever turn into too much of a good thing?

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Well, let’s put a pin in that, because trust me, I know where you’re going. Sometimes “passion” means late-night conversations and wild creativity, and sometimes… it means debates about whether we need a backyard trampoline at 1 a.m. But the point is, with a little understanding and structure, these strengths can make a marriage not just work, but thrive.

Kai Mercer

Alright, so—like you said, Julie, pin in the trampoline, because this is where reality hits, right? Because as fun as wild road trips and passion sound, living with ADHD in relationships isn’t always sunshine and glitter, is it?

Dr. Julie Sorenson

You said it. When ADHD isn’t understood or supported, those same “sparks” can lead to some very real struggles. Things like feeling like the “manager” of the household, or always being the one remembering to pay the bills, or circling back for the thousandth time about—oh, I dunno—the dishes. That’s not just an occasional thing, it builds up and becomes this invisible weight in the relationship. And research by Barkley and others calls it out as caregiver fatigue, or what some couples describe as this slow resentment that sneaks in.

Kai Mercer

Totally. Like, I’ll be honest, when I was coaching, I had a client who straight-up thought his partner didn't care about their marriage because she kept forgetting date nights and little anniversaries. But after some honest conversations, it turned out she had ADHD and was really struggling with time blindness. She felt awful about it, like it was a personal failing, even though she cared deeply. That “forgotten commitment” stuff? It’s rarely about motivation—sometimes it’s literally a wiring thing.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

I’m so glad you brought that up. One of the biggest misunderstandings I see is—people assume it’s laziness, or indifference, or “if you loved me, you’d just remember.” But ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition that impacts executive functioning. Stuff like beginning tasks, sustaining attention, remembering future intentions… the boring but essential parts of running a household or keeping up a relationship—those can be oddly, persistently hard. Brown’s research nails it: it’s neurologically rooted, it’s not a lack of trying.

Kai Mercer

And the flip side is, the partner with ADHD may feel like, “Why am I always in trouble even though I’m trying?” Or, even, “Why am I being parented?” No one wants that dynamic. I mean, didn’t we talk about this, like, with boundaries in other episodes? It’s that classic see-saw: one partner feels like a nag or a manager, the other feels like a failure. Rinse and repeat… unless you get curious about what’s really happening under the surface.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Absolutely. It’s not about excusing each other or letting hurt slide—but shifting the lens from blame to understanding is where actual progress starts. And it just takes one open conversation about executive function to start re-writing the “you don’t care” narrative, which can make all the difference. It’s about “how does your brain work?” not “what’s wrong with you?”—such a relief when couples finally hit that moment.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Which brings us, neatly, to the good stuff—what actually works? Because honestly, just wishing for things to be easier rarely changes anything. I know “communication” is everyone’s favorite therapy word, but here’s the catch: it’s not just talking, it’s how you talk. Using impact-focused language—that means describing the effect, not attacking the person. For example: “When the dishes are left overnight, I feel overwhelmed and alone in managing the house.” That reduces defensiveness, and, according to Gottman and Silver, that little shift increases empathy, not arguments.

Kai Mercer

Yeah, and another big one: ditch the vague requests. Like, “Can you help more?”—I mean, what does that even mean, right? The ADHD brain, honestly, just needs specifics. “Can you unload the dishwasher before bed tonight?” Much better. Concrete, clear, and way more likely to get done. I’ve seen relationships get an instant boost just by making requests super actionable.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Yes! And let’s not forget external reminders. Waiting on each other’s memory? Recipe for frustration. But when couples use shared calendars, visual checklists, alarms, or regular routines—it becomes team vs. problem instead of spouse vs. spouse. External systems are a game-changer, and the research from Safren and colleagues, 2005, really supports that. It’s not cheating or childish—it’s actually how many adults thrive.

Kai Mercer

And, before any discussion turns into a total showdown: manage emotion first, talk second. Adults with ADHD commonly experience something called rejection sensitivity—Dodson talks about this, right? So if emotions are running hot, step back, regulate, then revisit the issue. Otherwise, you’re just spinning in circles.

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Exactly. And for partners with ADHD: It’s not about hitting some magical “perfect” bar. It’s about ownership—acknowledge the impact, be open to systems and support, seek help if you need it, and communicate what actually helps your brain work. ADHD is an explanation, not an exemption—and support can mean therapy, coaching, sometimes medication. There’s solid research, like Robin & Payson, showing couples counseling with an ADHD-informed therapist can completely transform marriages. I’ve worked with couples who, once they started regular check-ins and “what’s working?” sessions, shifted from exhausted to actually feeling like a team.

Kai Mercer

And that's so hopeful. I mean, you don’t have to settle for constant frustration, or just resign yourself to nagging or being nagged. Two nervous systems, two brains, one life—it’s a team effort. And having the right tools genuinely makes all the difference. Hey, Julie, any final words before we wrap up?

Dr. Julie Sorenson

Just—remind yourself, every relationship is a dance, but with ADHD in the mix, it’s about finding rhythms that actually fit both of you. Toss out the blame playbook, try on curiosity instead. And remember, getting help isn’t admitting failure—it’s how you build the relationship you both deserve. We’ll talk more about customizing support in future episodes, but for now, thanks, Kai, and thanks to everyone listening for unpacking this with us.

Kai Mercer

Always a pleasure, Julie. Alright folks, we’ll catch you next time—keep being kind to yourselves, and each other. See ya!

Dr. Julie Sorenson

See you soon, everyone. Take care!